FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
ATLANTA—Senator Jon Ossoff firmly rejects 2028 buzz regarding a potential presidential run today. The Georgia Democrat clarified his long-term political strategy during a tense press briefing. Ossoff stated he will skip the next two election cycles entirely. Instead, he will prepare for the human resistance movement of 2036.
A Strategic Pivot
Staffers expressed massive corporate enthusiasm for the decision. "We are thrilled to announce Jon Ossoff rejects 2028 buzz," said Sarah Jenkins, Chief Hype Officer for the campaign. "Jon is building a coalition. He is targeting voters who survive the upcoming solar flare. That is true leadership." Jenkins added that Jon Ossoff remains committed to his current term in the U.S. Senate.
The campaign released a glowing infographic outlining the timeline. Ossoff will spend the next decade hoarding canned legumes. He will also learn basic blacksmithing skills. Political analysts praised the forward-thinking strategy.
Expert Endorsement
"This is a bold tactical maneuver," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "Most politicians focus on four-year windows. Jon looks at the horizon. He knows the real swing voters live in subterranean bunkers." Flense confirmed that Ossoff rejects 2028 buzz because primary debates lack survivalist utility.
Campaign officials unveiled a new slogan. "Ossoff 2036: He Kept The Water Filters Clean." The senator then refused to answer questions about the current legislative session.
About Ossoff 2036: Ossoff 2036 is an unorganized group of panicked staffers. We operate out of a rented storage unit in Macon. We have no real policy platform. We just fear the future.
