WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an urgent recall today for Pulp deep cuts following a hazardous incident at the End of the Road festival.
Regulators stepped in after the band performed several highly volatile, unreleased tracks. The performance triggered severe cases of acute existential longing among middle-aged attendees. Authorities have banned the live playback of these specific audio units. The ban remains in place until further safety testing completes.
Hazardous Levels of Yearning
"We observed a dangerous spike in wistfulness during the set," said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok. "The band deployed several Pulp deep cuts without proper ear protection for the crowd. This resulted in immediate, uncontrolled thoughts about ex-partners from university. We cannot allow these unsafe levels of yearning to continue."
The affected audio units include any B-sides recorded between 1992 and 1996. Regulators warn that these frequencies bypass modern emotional defense systems. The Government has ordered the band to cease playing these tracks immediately.
Remedy and Safe Alternatives
"Consumers who exposed themselves to the Pulp deep cuts must act fast," said Dr. Alistair Finch, Lead Auditor at the British Institute of Audio Safety. "We advise affected citizens to stare at a blank wall. They should listen to flat, emotionless corporate podcasts to neutralize the effects."
At press time, federal agents were actively confiscating promotional twelve-inch singles of 'Mile End' from terrified record collectors in Wiltshire.
