Politics
Trump Promises $5,000 Payout in Giant Cardboard Check If GOP Wins
Donald Trump promised a $5,000 payout if Republicans win the midterms, but officials warn the money will arrive on giant novelty checks.
Tagged: Goldman Sachs (16)
Business
Brent Crude Tops $100 Per Barrel as OPEC Announces Liquid Gold Status
Brent crude tops $100 per barrel as energy markets pivot to luxury branding and artisanal crystal decanters for gasoline.
Music
Ariana Grande Live Album Drops to Silence the Haters
Republic Records releases the Ariana Grande Live Album 'Petal' to maximize quarterly acoustic assets and brand synergy.
Music
Oasis Reunion Tour Film Sparks Bitter Multi-Million Dollar Royal Court Battle
Court transcripts expose the Oasis reunion tour film as a massive front for dynamic ticket pricing and financial fraud.
Business
Mortgage Rates Hit 300 Percent to Ensure Only Ghosts Can Afford Homes
Mortgage rates hit record highs as banking officials pivot to selling homes exclusively to ghosts and other non-living entities.
Business
Google AdTech Ruling Sparks Joyful Corporate Panic At Magnite
Magnite celebrates the Google AdTech ruling with absolute, unbridled corporate joy and several incomprehensible charts.
Music
Dazy MAXIMUMBLASTSUPERLOUD Vol. 2 Volume Setting Mandated in Internal Memo
A leaked corporate memo orders employees to play the new Dazy MAXIMUMBLASTSUPERLOUD Vol. 2 compilation at maximum volume to boost productivity.
Music
Ravyn Lenae Postpones Tour to Synergize Personal Vibration Metrics
R&B star Ravyn Lenae postpones tour dates to optimize her spiritual calendar and maximize corporate synergy.
Business
Goldman Sachs Predicts Unsolicited Forecasts Will Drive Post-Flood Recovery
Goldman Sachs deploys millions of unsolicited forecasts to flood victims to help them visualize the rain they are standing in.
Politics
Beijing Fight Back Measures Ranked By Inconvenience To Americans
Beijing fight back measures ranked by how much they will ruin your weekend, from pizza disasters to cat distractions.
Music
Raising Hell Anniversary Hearing Exposes Secret 1986 Rap Tax
A congressional hearing on the Raising Hell anniversary reveals a massive 1986 conspiracy involving sneakers and secret rock subsidies.
Technology
Samsung Galaxy S26 FE Strips Down Smartphone Experience to Just a Heated Slab of Glass
The Samsung Galaxy S26 FE strips the smartphone experience down to its absolute basics by removing the screen, camera, and battery.
Music
untitled (halo) Debut Album Announced Alongside Corporate Synergy Initiative
The upcoming untitled (halo) debut album combines shoegaze with luxury rap to satisfy global corporate synergy metrics.
Music
Madonna VMA Nominations Enter Legal Discovery in Federal Payola Probe
Leaked court transcripts show how the Madonna VMA nominations were manufactured in a federal payola probe.
Music
Drake Country Collaboration Teased by PowerPoint in Nashville Press Release
A corporate task force prepares for a Drake country collaboration after the rapper was spotted at an Ella Langley show.
Business
Goldman Pitches Hedge Funds on Doubting Corporate Loans
Goldman Sachs pitches hedge funds on strategies to bet against corporate loans, offering tools for potential profit in a predicted downturn.