TO: All SiriusXM Broadcast Staff
FROM: Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence
RE: Safety Protocols for the SiriusXMU Acoustic Cure Cover broadcast
We must enforce strict monitoring during this broadcast. Reunited Midwest emo pioneers American Football recently performed a live, stripped-down version of "Pictures of You" by The Cure. Our data science team warns that this specific SiriusXMU acoustic cure cover contains unprecedented levels of concentrated melancholia. We must mitigate the risk of mass crying fits in traffic.
Subheading: Extreme Sadness Protocols
"The combination of math-rock guitar tunings and Robert Smith's lyrics is highly volatile," said Marcus Bellweather in the memo. "Our listeners are already fragile. We cannot risk them pulling over on the highway to stare into the middle distance. We have instructed DJs to immediately follow the SiriusXMU acoustic cure cover with an upbeat car commercial to snap people back to reality."
The memo outlines immediate steps for on-air talent. Hosts must speak in loud, obnoxious voices immediately after the song ends. This will disrupt the reflective, nostalgic state of the listener.
Subheading: Financial Motives Exposed
"If the audience remains in a state of pure 1999 suburban longing, they will stop buying products," said Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation, in an attached email. "We need them sad enough to buy concert tickets. We do not want them so sad that they delete their food delivery apps and sit in a dark room."
The memo concludes with a stern reminder. Staff members who shed a tear during the SiriusXMU acoustic cure cover will face immediate reassignment to the Pitbull channel.
