WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an urgent product recall notice today regarding the 1986 art-pop masterpiece, The Colour Of Spring. The agency cites extreme safety hazards. Specifically, the Talk Talk album contains unprecedented levels of atmospheric silence. Federal inspectors discovered these acoustic voids can collapse the lungs of unsuspecting listeners.
Severe Sonic Vacuums Detected
“We tested several original vinyl pressings and modern digital streams,” said Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta. “The space between the snare hits on 'April 5th' created a literal localized vacuum. It sucked a small terrier into a stereo speaker in New Jersey. We cannot allow this Talk Talk album to remain in circulation.”
The product recall notice affects all physical and digital formats of the Talk Talk album. Officials warned that playing the record on high-end turntables increases the risk of implosion. The hazard level rises significantly when listeners close their eyes to 'feel the vibe.'
Remedy and Safe Disposal Instructions
“Consumers must stop listening immediately,” warned Sterling Gills, Lead Acoustic Hazard Investigator for the federal government. “If you own this Talk Talk album, please wrap it in heavy blankets. This will muffle the terrifyingly sparse organ chords. You can return it to your local record shop for a full refund or exchange it for a loud, safe hair metal cassette.”
At press time, federal agents were seen wearing heavy-duty earplugs while using a controlled explosion to safely detonate a copy of 'Laughing Stock' in a secure desert facility.
