NEW YORK—Composer Cassie Wieland, performing under the moniker Vines, announced Tuesday the release of her new EP, *Covers I*. The project features Wieland’s unique interpretations of songs by Frank Ocean, Sufjan Stevens, Wheatus, and Fleetwood Mac. Early listeners reported an overwhelming urge to purchase industrial-grade earplugs after hearing Vines’ rendition of “Silver Springs.” The EP continues Vines’ tradition of sonic experimentation. Her debut album, *I’ll Be Here*, was released last year. It was met with critical indifference. This new project solidifies Vines’ commitment to challenging listener patience. The artist aims to make familiar songs deeply uncomfortable. Wieland believes that art should not be pleasant. It should be an endurance test. Vines stated that her goal was to strip the original songs of their emotional resonance. She succeeded admirably. The EP’s tracklist includes a rendition of Sufjan Stevens’ “Fourth of July.” Stevens’ original is a meditation on death and grief. Wieland’s version transforms it into a dirge for lost car keys. The artist discussed her process. “I wanted to capture the feeling of being stuck in an elevator,” Wieland explained. “But without the elevator.” She sees this as a bold artistic statement. Many in the music industry agree. They are bold statements often involve loud noises. The Onion has covered similar artistic endeavors. They often involve performance art. The internet reacted with predictable bewilderment. Social media users questioned Wieland’s sanity. They also questioned their own choices. Why did they click the link? Why did they listen? These are valid questions. The EP is available on all major streaming platforms. Listen at your own peril.
A New Sound for a New Era
The EP’s centerpiece, “Silver Springs (Feat. Helado Negro),” reimagines Fleetwood Mac’s classic. Wieland’s version removes all traces of Stevie Nicks’ iconic vocals. It replaces them with a synthesized kazoo solo. The result is haunting. It haunts you with the question of why. Why would anyone do this? Helado Negro collaborator Roberto Carlos Lange reportedly stated, “I was given a specific brief. It was to make the song sound like a dying fax machine.” He apparently achieved this. The track list also includes a Wheatus cover. “Teenage Dirtbag” is now a 12-minute ambient soundscape. It sounds like a refrigerator humming. This is not a compliment. Fans of the original are urged to proceed with extreme caution. Vines aims to redefine the cover song. She wants to make it an act of vandalism. Her work challenges the very notion of melody. It questions the purpose of rhythm. It boldly asks: what if music was just noise?
At press time, Wieland was reportedly considering covering the entire works of Bach. She plans to use only a theremin and a kazoo.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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