TALLAHASSEE—The Florida Legislature last week approved a groundbreaking bill requiring all voters to provide irrefutable proof of citizenship. The measure mandates a comprehensive genealogical assessment. This assessment must trace lineage back at least 65 million years. This ensures no voter is a recent transplant, or, more critically, a sentient dinosaur.
Lawmakers cited a rise in “unexplained rustling noises at polling stations.” They also noted an increase in “suspiciously large footprints in the voting booth.” These incidents prompted the drastic new requirements for Florida Voter Citizenship Proof.
Tracing Ancestry to the Pre-Cambrian Era
The bill, dubbed the “True Floridian Act,” demands a certified DNA sample from each voter. This sample will undergo extensive paleontological analysis. Voters must demonstrate continuous residency via their ancestral record. This record must show a direct, unbroken line to organisms present in the Florida peninsula prior to the Cretaceous-Paleogene extinction event.
“We simply cannot risk a situation where non-citizens, or worse, non-mammals, influence our elections,” stated Representative Sheldon Pterodactyl (R-Gainesville), chair of the House Committee on Pre-Quaternary Election Integrity. “This isn’t about disenfranchisement. It’s about ensuring every ballot is cast by a confirmed bipedal hominid descendant of a genuine, ancient Floridian. We are just making sure our democratic process is robust and free from outside, or rather, *inside-the-Earth*, influences.”
The Logistics of Extinct Lineage Verification
Initial estimates suggest the average voter will need to submit approximately three pounds of bone fragments. They will also need a sworn affidavit from a certified paleontologist. The state will establish a new “Bureau of Ancestral Authenticity.” This agency will oversee the complex verification process. It will work closely with state museums and fossil enthusiasts.
“Frankly, it’s a bureaucratic nightmare,” lamented Dr. Evelyn Saurus, Head of Chronological Voting Operations for Dade County. “My grandmother’s lineage stops cold at a trilobite in the Silurian period. We just can’t find the paperwork connecting her to a modern human. We may have to just accept her as a ‘permanent absentee voter.’” More information on voter ID laws can be found here.
The bill passed along party lines. Opponents called it an “unnecessary burden.” They argued it disproportionately affects voters without access to expensive DNA sequencing labs. It also impacts those lacking a personal paleontologist.
At press time, several local registrars reported receiving ballots pre-marked by what appeared to be ancient fern fronds.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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