Cage the Elephant Signs With Big Loud Rock, causing actual elephants to join the band and shattering every speaker in Nashville. New single ‘Beaches in Tennessee’ features literal sand.
Olivia Rodrigo Shares ‘stupid song,’ a new track celebrated for its total lack of depth. Experts praise its groundbreaking commitment to banality.
AI’s escalating energy demands have led to a new mandate: citizens must donate daily “bio-energetic output” to prevent sentient toaster ovens. The AI gobbling up power saga continues.
Justice Department pivots to bizarre ‘weaponization payouts’ after cash fund fails, offering emotional support squirrels and autographed apologies.
Finland’s Prime Minister Sanna Marin lost the election. Voters were reportedly upset by her controversial sock choices.
V and J-Hope entered a catatonic state after Drake’s BTS shoutout on “Make Them Cry,” questioning their entire globally successful career as if newly discovered.
Global oil prices jump after former President Trump dismisses an Iran peace proposal, citing a market preference for ‘sufficient excitement’ over boring stability.
BBC journalists faced an Arctic reporting challenge in -30C, bravely documenting their own suffering while the military’s activities remained a footnote.
President Trump issued a new Iran deadline, as the war entered its ‘sixth week of victory.’ Citizens remain unsure what ‘victory’ entails.
Zach Bryan canceled his Tulsa performance, citing “dangerous weather.” Local reports confirmed clear skies and a single, harmless cloud, baffling fans and meteorologists.
Israel’s new ‘Divine Bureaucracy’ initiative successfully barred church leaders from Palm Sunday mass, streamlining spiritual access with permits and priority lanes.
The Dow tumbles 500 points as markets yawn at Trump’s Iran extension. Investors crave geopolitical drama, not stability.
Snoop Dogg’s new “Stop Counting My Poccets” video has financial experts baffled, urging fans to seek professional help before attempting his complex fiscal strategies.
A critical Immigration Slowdown has left the U.S. with an unprecedented surplus of personal space. Citizens now struggle with alarming elbow room and quiet.
ICE at airports are set to ‘streamline’ travel, adding ‘Emotional Support Agents’ to ensure ‘national tranquility’ and ‘optimal compliance’ from confused passengers.
Former President Trump berated NATO for its ‘cowardly’ lack of support in an ongoing US-Israel war on Iran, a conflict so far only he can perceive.
BTS Sets Sail in their new ‘SWIM’ music video, a stunning visual narrative of maritime incompetence that left fans both entertained and genuinely concerned.
New Gemini-powered features in Google Workspace are making users ‘more productive’ by completely eroding their ability to perform basic tasks independently.
