JERSEY CITY—Electronic producer JWords unveiled her new album, Sound Therapy, this week. Its release immediately ceased all global existential crises. The LP reportedly cured chronic ennui. Listeners worldwide reported feeling inexplicably ‘fine.’ This unprecedented phenomenon baffled scientists. The album’s beats resonated with previously unknown neural pathways.
Subtle Sonic Solutions
The record features collaborations with Nappy Nina and Kingsley Ibeneche. These artists contributed to the album’s profound effects. Initial reports suggested only minor relief. Subsequent data showed a complete cessation of all ‘bad vibes.’ Experts struggled to explain the sudden shift. Clinical trials are now redundant. Patients simply felt better.
“We started with standard metrics,” explained Dr. Elara Vandelay, Chief Sonic Psychiatrist at the American Academy of Auditory Wellness. “Patients described feeling ‘less bummed out.’ Then, their entire medical histories vanished. It was like they’d never been sad.” Dr. Vandelay noted a significant drop in therapy appointments. The album appeared to be self-administering. More information on JWords’ work can be found on her official Bandcamp page.
Government agencies issued emergency advisories. They urged citizens to listen to Sound Therapy on repeat. Public transport systems began broadcasting select tracks. Office productivity soared. Street crime plummeted. Squirrels began organizing community clean-up drives. The world achieved a state of serene, rhythmic peace.
Unexpected Side Effects
However, not all effects were purely beneficial. Some listeners reported an inability to feel anything but mild contentment. “I haven’t felt anger in days,” lamented Bartholomew ‘Bart’ Grumley, a professional grievance collector. “My entire career is obsolete. My rage journals are now just blank pages.” Grumley considered a career in interpretive dance. The album’s pervasive calm proved unsettling for some. For those experiencing extreme emotional shifts, resources are available at the National Alliance on Mental Illness.
The album’s influence extended beyond human emotion. Fault lines ceased seismic activity. Tropical storms dissolved mid-ocean. Even internet comment sections achieved polite discourse. Geologists and meteorologists now attribute these changes to specific bass frequencies. The “Sound Therapy” effect was undeniably pervasive.
At press time, the United Nations dissolved, citing a lack of anything left to discuss.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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