LOS ANGELES—Fans expecting to see Post Malone on his upcoming ‘Big Ass Stadium Tour’ will need to wait. The tour, featuring Jelly Roll, faces an indefinite Post Malone album delay. Sources confirm the postponement stems from the artist’s current project. He is reportedly attempting to finish a new album. However, the album’s nature has raised some eyebrows.
Creative Process Unveiled
The artist initially stated his realization that “what we’re trying to do, and what’s possible, isn’t really lining up.” Insiders now reveal the new LP consists entirely of elaborate crayon drawings. “Mr. Malone has developed a profound connection to the medium,” explained Dr. Penelope Wiffle, Head of Interpretive Crayon Studies at the University of Phoenix Online. “His latest piece, a pastoral scene rendered in Crayola ‘Atomic Tangerine,’ required immense focus.” The album artwork itself is the entire album. More details on Post Malone’s official projects can be found here.
Production has stalled repeatedly. Post Malone reportedly struggled with a particularly challenging shade of “Periwinkle.” This caused significant delays. He then spent three days meticulously sharpening every crayon in his studio. This was a necessary step for “optimal pigment deposition,” his representatives stated.
Tour Logistics Scrambled
The touring crew remains in limbo. Fellow artist Jelly Roll expressed mild confusion. “I thought we were making music,” stated Jelly Roll, reached via FaceTime from a dimly lit tour bus. “But I respect the artistic process, whatever it is.” He added that his own album, “Grime & Glory,” was recorded entirely on a rusty tape deck in a Wal-Mart parking lot. Fans can check out Jelly Roll’s music here.
The label, Republic Records, has reportedly assigned a dedicated “Crayon Quality Control” team. Their job is to ensure artistic integrity. This team works closely with Post Malone. They provide emotional support during complex coloring sessions. Critics are divided. Some praise the “bold, tactile approach.” Others wonder if a simple ‘thank you’ note would suffice.
This marks the second time a major tour has been impacted by an unexpected Post Malone album delay related to non-musical endeavors. Last year, a global trek was postponed. He was reportedly perfecting a new technique for tying shoelaces. That album, “Laced Up: A Journey in Knots,” remains unreleased.
At press time, Post Malone announced his new single, “Purple Rain (But It’s Just A Drawing Of A Grape),” would be released as a scratch-and-sniff sticker.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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