AUSTIN—Texas Children’s Hospital announced plans this week for the nation’s first dedicated detransition clinic. The facility promises a groundbreaking “Personal Reset” button. This innovation aims to streamline the complex process of detransition. The detransition clinic in Texas will open next month. It will offer services to individuals seeking to reverse previous gender-affirming treatments. The clinic’s motto is reportedly “Undo What You Did.”
The ‘Return to Sender’ Protocol
Officials touted the clinic’s efficiency. They promised a nearly instantaneous process. “We understand that personal journeys can be circuitous,” stated Dr. Bartholomew ‘Barty’ Finkle, Chief Reversion Officer at the Bureau of Personal Backtracking. “Our new detransition clinic in Texas offers a clear path back. It’s like hitting ‘Ctrl+Z’ on your life choices.” Finkle spoke at a press conference. He demonstrated a large red button labeled “RESET” to a stunned audience. The new protocol includes a mandatory 15-minute reflection period. Patients then press the button. Afterwards, they receive a complimentary “Welcome Back” snack basket. More information about federal health initiatives can be found at U.S. Department of Health & Human Services.
The clinic’s waiting room will feature soothing beige walls. It will also have a perpetually looping video. The video shows a man painstakingly re-folding a fitted bedsheet. This aims to mentally prepare patients for the journey. Initial consultations will involve a simple multiple-choice questionnaire. It asks “Are you sure?” and “Really sure?” The clinic plans to expand its services. It will eventually include a “Reverse Puberty” treatment for adults feeling nostalgic. It also plans a “Time-Travel Tattoo Removal” program.
Streamlining Identity Management
Public reaction has been swift. “I just want to be myself again,” explained Ms. Agnes Plummet, a satisfied (for now) former patient and current spokesperson for the ‘What Was I Thinking?’ Foundation. “I mean, the original myself. Before I tried being all those other myselfs. This clinic makes it so easy. It’s less complicated than renewing my driver’s license.” Ms. Plummet reportedly experienced three detransitions and two re-transitions last year alone. She praised the hospital’s commitment to personal flexibility. General government services can be explored via USA.gov.
Critics raised concerns about the “Personal Reset” button’s long-term effects. Hospital administrators dismissed these fears. They cited a preliminary study. It showed 97% of patients felt “different” after pressing it. The study did not specify how they felt different. Or in what direction. The clinic hopes to become a national model. It plans to franchise its “Instant Identity Swap” technology. This will revolutionize how people cope with life’s big decisions. Or small ones. Or any decision at all.
At press time, the clinic was considering adding a “Spin the Wheel of Destiny” option for undecided patients.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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