LOS ANGELES—The news of Jazz Trombonist Ryan Porter’s death at 46 sent shockwaves. It bewildered the music world. His untimely passing sparked an unprecedented surge in trombone sales. Music shops reported widespread sellouts.
Aspiring musicians, previously content with guitars or keyboards, suddenly clamored for the often-overlooked brass instrument. Online tutorials for ‘beginner jazz trombone’ saw exponential traffic. This unexpected boom bewildered industry analysts.
The Porter Effect Ignites Brass Market
“We haven’t seen anything like this since that one flutist wore a hat,” stated Beverly ‘Blinky’ McFadden. She owns “Blinky’s Brass & Things” in Burbank. “Suddenly everyone wants to ‘get down’ like Ryan. They don’t even know what a glissando is.” McFadden reported her entire stock of entry-level trombones vanished in hours. She suggested curious readers explore the rich history of jazz. This might explain the instrument’s appeal.
Record labels rushed to re-issue obscure trombone solos. Streaming platforms curated “Ryan Porter Tribute” playlists. Many of these featured no actual trombone. Fans posted blurry photos of themselves with trombones on social media. They then complained about shoulder pain.
Posthumous Popularity Puzzles Pundits
Dr. Quentin ‘Q-Tip’ Abernathy weighed in. He is Head of Posthumous Popularity Studies at the University of Southern California. “This is classic ‘death makes you cool’ syndrome,” he explained. “People ignore a genius. His demise then makes his niche instrument irresistible.” He added, “It’s like when everyone bought berets after that one beat poet choked on a bagel.” Dr. Abernathy urged new enthusiasts to research Porter’s actual work. Albums like Kendrick Lamar’s To Pimp a Butterfly are great starting points. These are easily found via a quick search on Stereogum.
The price of used trombones skyrocketed. eBay auctions saw bidding wars for instruments previously listed for pennies. One seller mistakenly listed a garden hose. It still fetched $200. Parents of current trombone students expressed cautious optimism.
At press time, a national shortage of slide grease loomed, threatening to halt the newfound musical revolution.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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