NEW YORK—A new academic study published Tuesday confirmed that listening to ‘The 28 Best Winter Songs for the Season’ actively exacerbates feelings of coldness and existential dread. Researchers at the Institute for Seasonal Affective Disorder Studies (ISADS) found a direct correlation. Participants exposed to the curated playlist reported significantly lower core body temperatures. They also expressed an overwhelming urge to purchase an expensive weighted blanket.
Physiological Chill Detected
Dr. Reginald Frost, lead climatologist and part-time DJ at ISADS, described the findings as ‘alarming, yet entirely predictable.’ ‘We observed a measurable drop in ambient room temperature,’ Frost stated. ‘Subjects displayed goosebumps and a sudden craving for hot cocoa. Many also began wistfully gazing out windows.’ He pointed to specific tracks. ‘Taylor Swift’s ‘Evermore’ registered a 3-degree Fahrenheit drop alone.’ The study’s full methodology is available for review, pending participant defrostation, at Mayo Clinic’s SAD page.
The research involved 200 volunteers. Each listened to the entire 28-song playlist in a temperature-controlled environment. Within minutes, several participants reported feeling ‘suddenly aware of the draft’ even when no draft existed. Others spontaneously began knitting. One subject reportedly attempted to fashion a crude igloo from office chairs. They cited the haunting melodies of Fleet Foxes as their primary inspiration.
Emotional Hibernation Induced
Psychological impact scores were similarly bleak. ‘We initially thought the songs would provide warmth,’ admitted Dr. Penelope Glimmer, Head of Auditory Despondency and Associate Professor of Melancholy at ISADS. ‘Instead, they perfected the art of sonic hypothermia. The Weeknd’s ‘Blinding Lights’ somehow made subjects feel colder despite its upbeat tempo. It’s a masterclass in emotional refrigeration.’ She added that several participants began hoarding emergency snacks. They then declared their intent to not leave their homes until April.
The study recommends extreme caution. Listeners should only engage with ‘The 28 Best Winter Songs for the Season’ under strict medical supervision. Or, at minimum, while wearing several layers of thermal underwear. It also suggests pairing the playlist with a high-intensity workout. Or, perhaps, a tropical vacation. Researchers are now investigating whether ‘Summer Songs’ playlists cause spontaneous sweating and a yearning for sand in one’s shoes.
At press time, all study participants had reportedly submitted their resignations from work and were last seen attempting to communicate solely through grunts.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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