WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an immediate recall today for the new Alanis Morissette Christmas album. Federal inspectors determined the release contains dangerous levels of unaddressed nineties angst. The acoustic instability threatens the structural integrity of festive cheer nationwide.
Hazard Description And Scope
Initial testing confirmed the record causes sudden, overwhelming memories of high school exes. Listeners exposed to the track featuring Brandi Carlile reported severe vocal belt induced hyperventilation. Furthermore, guest spots by Steve Martin and Martin Short failed to lower emotional tension. The banjo solos reportedly increased existential holiday dread by forty percent.
"We detected elevated levels of devastating raw vulnerability," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "Consumers expecting festive jingles were exposed to gut-wrenching introspective angst. The sudden shift in mood caused several test subjects to sob directly into their eggnog."
Remedy And Corrective Action
Regulators urge citizens to stop listening to the Alanis Morissette Christmas album immediately. Store affected vinyl pressings in lead-lined containers. Digital downloads must be quarantined in secure, isolated folders away from upbeat holiday playlists.
"The album exceeds maximum federal limits for bitter holiday processing," noted Marcus Bellweather, CPSC Chief Audio Hazard Inspector. "One user listened while driving and accidentally drove straight to their childhood home to confront their mother."
To receive a full refund, consumers must return physical copies to their place of purchase. Affected listeners should immediately play generic instrumental jazz to stabilize their emotional state.
