WASHINGTON— A federal courtroom exposed the chaotic breakdown behind the scenes of the Bret Michaels camp after the singer had to cancel tour dates following two major surgeries. The following transcript from the Senate Subcommittee on Hard Rock Infrastructure reveals the testimony of Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected, who examined the singer's extracted kidney stones.
Q: Dr. Vasquez-Thorne, did you examine the stones removed from the plaintiff?
A: I did. We discovered they were not mineral deposits. They were tiny, calcified rhythm sections.
Q: And these objects caused the singer to cancel tour dates?
A: Yes. They formed a union. They refused to pass through the ureter unless they received top billing on the marquee.
Q: Is it common for a rock star's organs to sabotage a tour?
A: Extremely common in hair metal. We saw it with Poison in the nineties. A bassist's gallbladder once filed for creative control.
Q: So the kidney stones actually voted to cancel tour dates?
A: Yes. They held a secret band meeting in the left kidney. They voted four to one to cancel tour dates and pursue solo careers in a jar on his nightstand.
Q: Who was the dissenting vote?
A: A small piece of calcium carbonate who still wanted to play arenas in Ohio.
