LOS ANGELES— The following court transcript detail the ongoing federal investigation into the economic impact of recent Chappell Roan surprise duets during her benefit concerts.
Q: Please state your name and occupation for the record.
A: I am Agnes Periwinkle. I serve as the Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation.
Q: Ms. Periwinkle, let us discuss these Chappell Roan surprise duets. Were you present when PinkPantheress emerged on stage?
A: I was. We calibrated the fog machine to emit heavy doses of unreleased pop serotonin.
Q: Is it true that the pop star also summoned Lola Young, Caroline Polachek, and Christina Aguilera?
A: Yes. We legally mandated those appearances under Section 4 of the Secret Pop Cabal Treaty.
Q: Section 4? Are you saying these Chappell Roan surprise duets were not organic?
A: Nothing in music is organic. We manufactured the entire concept of live vocals in 1998.
Q: Did you force Caroline Polachek to sing 'Look at Me Now' against her will?
A: She actually paid us. Every indie artist pays a tax to share a stage with a midwestern icon.
Q: Where does the ticket money for these benefit shows actually go, Ms. Periwinkle?
A: Exactly 10% goes to charity. The rest funds our secret underground clone facility for backup dancers.
Q: Are you admitting to large-scale financial fraud on the public record right now?
A: It is not fraud if the fans make TikToks about it. The algorithm pardons all federal crimes.
Q: So every surprise guest appearance this year was engineered to inflate streaming stocks?
A: Correct. If two female pop stars hug on stage, the S&P 500 rises by three points instantly.
Q: Who really controls the music industry, Ms. Periwinkle?
A: A giant sentient drum machine located beneath the Staples Center. We feed it indie singers.
