FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
EDINBURGH—The Coalition of Scottish Grocers announced today their complete support for the upcoming food price cap initiative. However, the group demands that parliament immediately deregulate the culinary classification of shipping materials. The proposal urges First Minister John Swinney to allow supermarkets to market corrugated cardboard as a high-fiber dietary staple.
A Sustainable Crunch
The coalition argues that the government’s proposed food price cap threatens profit margins on traditional dairy and produce. To offset these losses, executives designed a new line of budget-friendly cellulose-based meal replacements. They argue that cardboard naturally absorbs the flavor of whatever warehouse floor it rests upon. The initiative draws inspiration from research conducted by the Food Standards Scotland agency regarding dietary roughage.
"We want to meet the government halfway on this food price cap," said Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta, who consulted on the packaging roll-out. "If we cannot raise the price of bread, we must simply lower the definition of bread. Cardboard offers a satisfying crunch. It also boasts a shelf life of approximately forty years. Our shareholders are absolutely thrilled about this transition to wood pulp."
Empty Calories, Fuller Pockets
Industry analysts warn that ignoring the business lobby could lead to barren shelves. Under the new proposal, the average grocery store would replace its fresh produce aisle with a single, highly efficient stack of flattened Amazon delivery boxes. The coalition assured families that the boxes would feature colorful stickers depicting apples and bananas.
About the Coalition of Scottish Grocers: Founded in 1892, we are a powerful lobbying group dedicated to ensuring that food remains an expensive privilege rather than a biological necessity. We operate three thousand empty supermarkets across the country. Our primary goal is to lobby against safety regulations until the distinction between a grocery store and a recycling center is completely erased.
