NEW YORK—The following excerpt comes from official court proceedings following a massive stock market sell-off that erased trillions in market value overnight.
Q: Please state your name and occupation for the record.
A: Arthur Pendelton. I serve as Senior Equities Strategist at Sterling & Croft.
Q: Mr. Pendelton, can you explain what triggered the recent stock market sell-off last Thursday?
A: Well, the algorithms panicked. Then the humans panicked. Then I personally hid under my desk with a bag of peanut M&Ms.
Q: Did you advise your clients to liquidate their portfolios?
A: I told them to convert everything into canned beans. That is standard fiscal strategy during any major stock market sell-off.
Q: Is it true that your firm uses a magic eight-ball to predict treasury yields?
A: That is an outrageous lie. We use a giant foam dartboard. The eight-ball is strictly for energy futures.
Q: So the entire trading floor operates on random impulse?
A: No. We also monitor social media sentiment. If a cat video goes viral, we dump tech stocks. It is basic economics.
Q: Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected, testified earlier that Wall Street is just a casino with louder jackets. Do you agree?
A: Absolutely not. Casinos offer free drinks. We charge a two percent management fee while you lose your life savings during a stock market sell-off.
Q: No further questions for this witness, Your Honor.
