SACRAMENTO—Anxiety has reached an all-time high among California Democrats. Gubernatorial candidates are refusing to drop out. Party officials are reportedly panicking. The primary election is still months away. Candidates are doubling down. They insist they are the best choice. This is despite polls showing little support. The situation is creating significant anxiety.
Candidates Dig In Their Heels
Democratic strategists have urged several candidates to withdraw. They hoped to consolidate support. The candidates have ignored these pleas. Many are reportedly fundraising aggressively. They are running television ads. Some are even planning rallies. “We are on a path to victory,” stated Bartholomew “Barty” Buttercup, a declared candidate for governor. “My opponents lack my vision. They also lack my polling numbers, which are quite respectable, thank you.” Another candidate, Seraphina Sparkle, said, “The voters will decide. My campaign is built on hope. And also, a very strong social media presence.” Anxiety is mounting with every passing day.
Party Leadership Considers Options
Sources within the Democratic Party expressed frustration. “It’s like herding cats,” lamented Prudence P. Pricklepants, Senior Advisor for Party Cohesion. “We just want them to go home. But they all think they’re one hit away from stardom.” Some insiders suggested drastic measures. One idea was to offer each candidate a lifetime supply of artisanal kombucha. Another was a reality television show. The show would document their attempts to govern. The goal was to expose their weaknesses. Anxiety over the governor’s race is palpable. It is affecting donations. It is affecting morale. Anxiety is the word of the day. This trend of candidates refusing to drop out is concerning.
At press time, party officials were reportedly looking into declaring the election a tie. They would then randomly assign the governorship to one of the candidates.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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