Music
Zelenskyy Returns Poland’s Highest Honor, Requests Gift Receipt
President Zelenskyy officially returned Poland’s highest honor, citing “unclear ownership” and demanding a full refund or store credit in a bizarre diplomatic escalation.
Section
Music
Satirical news and absurd commentary on the music industry, artists, charts and everything in between.
Music
Iron Maiden Fans Locked Out Of Phone-Free Zone
Iron Maiden enforces a phone-free zone for their concert film, leading to fan confusion and existential dread about missing notifications.
Music
Colombia’s Brutal Internal Conflict Bolsters Voter Engagement, Say Experts
Experts laud Colombia’s brutal internal conflict for boosting voter engagement, claiming decades of strife makes electoral choices ‘crystal clear.’
Music
Ye’s Bully Deluxe Edition Now Includes Mandatory Recess
Students worldwide ordered to listen, or else.
Music
Sleep Returns With Tour, Comic Book, After Eight Years Of Intense Napping
Doom titans Sleep emerge from an eight-year nap. They bring a tour, comic book, and new song. The band claims they were sleeping.
Music
Two Shell Announces New Album Infinite Now, Promises Infinite Existential Dread
Two Shell’s new album ‘Infinite Now’ drops Oct 16, promising existential dread and unsettling beats. Fans brace for sonic void.
Music
Tay Keith Dead at 29, Leaves Behind Lifetime Supply of Drum Sounds
Tay Keith, 29, producer of ‘Sicko Mode,’ died Tuesday. His iconic drum sounds defined trap music. His legacy lives on.
Music
Sixpence None the Richer Bassist Justin Cary Dies, Leaves Behind Hit Song ‘Kiss Me’
Justin Cary, Sixpence None the Richer’s bassist on ‘Kiss Me,’ dies at 50. He played on one album.
Music
Local Man Realizes He’s Too Old To Be In Band To Watch
A local man’s dreams of rock stardom were shattered after seeing a young band. He realized he was too old to be in a band to watch.
Music
Swifties Mobilize Against Kirk Hammett Over ‘CIA Psyop’ Tee
Kirk Hammett’s ‘Taylor Swift Is a CIA Psyop’ shirt sparks fury from Swifties. The guitarist faces digital onslaught from dedicated fans.
Music
Fed’s Warsh Era Vibe: Interest Rates Now Dictated by Mood Rings
The Fed’s Warsh era has introduced a revolutionary ‘vibe’ to monetary policy, with interest rates now directly linked to Chairman Warsh’s daily mood.
Music
Music Critics Announce ‘The 5 Best Songs Of The Week’ Are All Just Different Frequencies
International Council of Music Assessment declares ‘The 5 Best Songs Of The Week’ are just curated sound frequencies, confusing listeners and redefining music.
Music
Syd’s “2 Many Days” Single Traps Entire Neighborhood in Perpetual Wednesday
Local residents report an inexplicable urge to deep clean their microwaves.
Music
Channel Tres Stuns World With ‘Black Techno Guy’ Revelation
Channel Tres’s new single ‘Black Techno Guy’ has critics and fans alike marveling at the musician’s groundbreaking clarity. He is, indeed, a Black techno guy.
Music
Finland’s Sanna Marin Concedes Election, Reveals Secret DJ Career
Finland’s Sanna Marin concedes election, revealing a secret double life as a world-class EDM DJ. Voters opted for a quieter government.
Music
French Rocket Name Change Spurs Global Scramble For Basic Nouns
A French space startup’s forced rocket name change due to trademark infringement has ignited a furious search for available nouns, threatening future space missions.
Music
Scientists Uncover Truly ‘Heat-Proof’ Corals, Immediately Demand They Pay Rent
Scientists found ‘Heat-Proof Corals’ but are now suing them for rent. The indestructible marine life has become an undersea landlord’s nightmare.
Music
Lizzo’s New Album ‘Bitch’ Fails to Chart, Declared ‘Too Popular’ for Metrics
Lizzo’s new album, Bitch, definitively failed to chart on the Billboard 200. Experts hail this as a ‘profound success’ in anti-popularity.