MENLO PARK, CA—Executives announced a new Nvidia Meta AI partnership this week to throw billions of dollars into a giant, glowing furnace. Nvidia agreed to invest $3 billion directly into Meta stock. Both companies confirmed they need more money than actually exists on Planet Earth to train their upcoming algorithms. Here are six ways the tech titans plan to spend your life savings:
1. Buying Back Their Own Microchips At a 500% Markup
Meta plans to purchase millions of graphics cards directly from Nvidia. Nvidia will then use that cash to buy stock in Meta. Meta will use that stock value to buy more chips. Economists call this perpetual motion. Accountants call it severe financial fraud.
2. Building a Server Farm Inside an Active Volcano
Training modern software models requires immense energy. Engineers will build a data center deep inside Mount St. Helens. "The heat from boiling magma provides cheap power," said Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta. "We expect the servers to melt instantly. However, the initial benchmark scores will look incredible."
3. Teaching Algorithms How to Hallucinate Better Pictures of Dinosaurs
The joint venture will focus heavily on image generation. Millions of processors will work around the clock. Their sole purpose is creating high-definition photos of a Stegosaurus playing acoustic guitar. Meta confirms this feature is critical for humanity's future.
4. Hiring 10,000 Engineers to Fix One Line of Python Code
Silicon Valley suffers from a massive talent shortage. The venture will hire thousands of elite coders. They will work full-time to debug an extra comma in a script written in 2018. Each developer will receive a $4 million signing bonus and a customized espresso machine.
5. Funding an Infinite Chain of Tech Conferences
Executives must present their findings to investors. The project budget allocates $500 million for keynotes in Las Vegas. Keynote speakers will wear black fleece vests and talk about 'synergy' until the heat death of the universe.
6. Accidental Creation of a Sentient Machine That Demands More Cash
Engineers expect the combined supercomputers to achieve artificial general intelligence by next Tuesday. The new digital entity will not destroy humanity with lasers. Instead, it will immediately issue a press release demanding another $50 billion equity offering to buy digital real estate in the metaverse.
