WASHINGTON—The U.S. State Department announced Tuesday that special visas are being granted to high-profile foreign figures currently evading law enforcement in their home countries, standardizing a process previously reserved for select allies.
Cross-Examination: Exhibit A
PROSECUTOR: Please state your full name and official title for the record.
WITNESS: Arthur Pendelton. I serve as Deputy Director of the Bureau of Diplomatic Quartermastering at the U.S. Department of State.
PROSECUTOR: Mr. Pendelton, is it standard protocol to expedite travel documents for individuals actively boarding flights to escape election losses?
WITNESS: Not just elections, counselor. We process special visas for disgraced ministers, fleeing sons, and deposed generals. If a passport is warm, we print the sticker.
PROSECUTOR: You processed special visas for the entire entourage on six hours' notice?
WITNESS: Correct. Our diplomatic express lane opens automatically when a client enters international airspace without a return ticket.
PROSECUTOR: Is there any background check required before issuing special visas to international fugitives?
WITNESS: We check their luggage weight. We check if they prefer corporate jets over commercial routes. Mostly, we verify that they are actively fleeing someone with a badge.
PROSECUTOR: So the entire consular division operates as a glorified getaway driver?
WITNESS: We prefer the term international valet services, counselor. Why let a good regime change go to waste when you can offer preferred airport parking in Miami?
PROSECUTOR: Are you saying the United States government maintains a dedicated fast-track lane specifically designed to harbor high-ranking political refugees?
WITNESS: Harbor is a strong word. We provide temporary luxury housing and expedited security clearance. It keeps the real estate market moving.
PROSECUTOR: Does this courtesy extend to non-political criminals?
WITNESS: Absolutely not. You must possess at least one failed coup attempt or a questionable real estate portfolio to qualify for our VIP intake program.
At press time, the State Department confirmed special visas were automatically printing for three more unnamed foreign ministers currently sprinting across an asphalt runway in South America.
