Music
Bruce Hornsby’s New Songs: Necromancy Allegations Plague Album Release
Bruce Hornsby’s new album features “late” Bob Weir, sparking necromancy allegations. Fans flock to hear new Bruce Hornsby songs despite legal and spiritual debates.
Section
Music
Satirical news and absurd commentary on the music industry, artists, charts and everything in between.
Music
Gulf Funds Back Paramount Takeover, Demand 100% Golden Retriever Content
Gulf funds are backing Paramount’s $81 billion takeover of Warner Bros. Discovery, with new content mandates requiring all productions to feature a golden retriever.
Music
Jack White’s SNL Solo Costs Him Guitarist License
Jack White’s SNL Solo during a Saturday Night Live sketch leads to his guitarist license revocation. He now faces mandatory remedial lessons.
Music
Kanye West Booking: Festival Cancels Earth, Cites Logistical Headaches
Facing pressure over the Kanye West booking, a UK festival cancelled Earth. Organizers deemed it easier than finding a replacement headliner.
Music
Finland’s PM Lost Election Over Nation’s Overwhelming Need for Silence
Finland’s PM lost after voters expressed an overwhelming national desire for profound quiet. Citizens reportedly tired of ‘audible occurrences,’ demanding auditory minimalism.
Music
Ye’s ‘Bully’ Album Hits No. 2 Amid Widespread Outrage
Kanye West’s controversial album ‘Bully’ hits No. 2 on Billboard, defying backlash. Fans praise its ‘raw honesty.’
Music
Morgan Wallen Dominates Top Country Albums Chart, Tops All Other Artists
Morgan Wallen’s chart dominance on Top Country Albums is unmatched, leaving legends like Garth Brooks and Taylor Swift in his dust.
Music
K-Pop Billboard Domination: Charts Now Just ‘Fancy Korean Phone Books’
K-Pop Billboard Domination has led to charts becoming exclusive. All other music is now archived. The industry scrambles to adapt to perfectly synchronized idols.
Music
Guns N’ Roses Plays ‘Bad Apples’ Live, Still Smells Rotten After 35 Years
Guns N’ Roses played ‘Bad Apples’ live for the first time in 35 years, baffling fans and experts alike. More surprises are expected.
Music
Oil Market Doubts Deepen as Trump’s Peace Signals Transmit Via Interpretive Dance
Global oil market doubts deepened this week as traders struggled to interpret President Trump’s peace overtures, leading to extreme price volatility.
Music
Pressure Mounts on Kanye West as Festival Considers Replacing Him With Mime Troupe
Pressure mounts on Kanye West at a London festival, as organizers plan to replace him with mimes. The move promises a quieter, more ‘meditative’ experience.
Music
Pope Leo Unveils Papal Peace Protocol: World Agrees to Disagree Less Loudly
Pope Leo XI introduced his new Papal Peace Protocol this Easter, urging global leaders to settle disputes with artisanal cheese and polite discourse.
Music
Pepsi Withdraws Festival Sponsorship, Cites ‘Too Many Loud Noises’
Pepsi withdraws festival sponsorship,
Music
Pepsi Pulls Wireless Sponsorship Over Kanye West Booking, Citing ‘Excessive Timeliness’
Pepsi Pulls Wireless Sponsorship Over Kanye West Booking, citing “excessive timeliness.” The soft drink giant made its move months after the controversy.
Music
United Unveils ‘Basic Polaris Business’ Where Passengers Provide Jet Fuel
United Airlines introduced its new Basic Polaris Business fare, where passengers supply their own seats, oxygen, and jet fuel for a truly “basic” premium experience.
Music
US Government Requests Satellite Firm to Withhold War Images, Citing Public ‘Wellness’
A satellite imaging firm confirmed it is indefinitely withholding war images of Iran at US request, citing public ’emotional wellness’ and a preference for ‘prettier’ visuals.
Music
Trump Appeals to Finish White House Ballroom, Citing ‘Urgent Need to Cha-Cha’
Former President Trump filed an emergency appeal to finish his White House ballroom, reportedly to avoid “cultural stagnation” and host “tremendous” dance parties.
Music
Olivia Rodrigo Announces New Album ‘You Seem Pretty Sad for a Girl So in Love’
Olivia Rodrigo Announces New Album ‘You Seem Pretty Sad for a Girl So in Love,’ confirming the world’s supply of sad girl anthems is far from depleted.