DENVER—Health officials issued a level-four state of emergency after a Chainsmokers show caused dozens of sudden injuries last night. The incident marks the second time in less than a month that a performance by the EDM duo sent a wave of confused partygoers to local emergency rooms. Doctors reported that none of the injuries occurred from physical violence. Instead, the blunt-force bass drops and aggressive frat-house energy caused immediate internal distress.
1. Spontaneous Loss of Balance During Closer
Several fans fell down instantly when the band played their hit song Closer. The sudden shift in key caused a collective inner ear failure in the VIP section. Medical tents filled up within minutes.
2. Severe Emotional Whiplash From Nostalgia
Doctors treated twelve students for acute emotional regression. The patients believed it was still the fall of 2016. "They kept asking if Donald Trump was still just a reality host," said Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation. "We had to administer heavy doses of modern hyperpop to stabilize them."
3. Middle-Aged Neck Spasms
Local chiropractors rushed to the venue to treat parents who tried to nod along to the beat. The aggressive syncopation caused instant muscle lock. Most of these victims remain in neck braces today.
4. Extreme Vape Inhalation Syndrome
A thick cloud of mango-flavored vapor hovered over the crowd for three hours. It blocked out the exit signs and caused mild hallucinations. Fans wandered in circles until paramedics guided them out with lasers.
5. Sudden Uncontrollable Clapping
The duo ordered the crowd to clap their hands twenty-seven different times. One fan could not stop clapping even after arriving at the hospital. Doctors had to sedate his palms.
6. Aggressive Bro-Hug Dislocations
The final drop of the night triggered a massive wave of high-impact hugging. Over thirty fraternity brothers suffered shoulder separations. "We love each other too much," said Chad Harrington, a local business major who attended the Chainsmokers show. "The bass forced us to embrace at high speeds."
7. Immediate Financial Regret
The most common ailment was a sudden, painful realization of how much the tickets cost. This realization caused instant stomach ulcers in over four hundred attendees. At press time, local hospitals are preparing for the duo's upcoming stadium tour by installing giant foam pads on all concrete surfaces.
