NEW YORK— Crash Of Rhinos, the celebrated indie rock collective, announced their highly anticipated return after a 13-year hiatus. The reunion culminated swiftly, however, with the band immediately disbanding again. Sources confirmed the group, known for its rigorous democratic process, could not agree on the new album’s cover art.
The outfit originally gained notoriety for their painstaking album production. Their “ultimate democracy” principle meant every member held absolute veto power. This often resulted in years-long delays between releases. Fans had eagerly awaited any new material from the six-piece ensemble.
The Perils of Unanimous Consent
“We had finally nailed down the tracklist,” stated Brenda ‘The Bullhorn’ Bluster, Chief Negotiator for Band Cohesion, from her temporary office in a neutral Switzerland conference room. “But then someone suggested a serif font for the title. It spiraled from there.” Bluster referred to the band’s notorious 2011 dispute over snare drum mic placement, which reportedly caused a four-year album delay. For more on their past struggles, one might consult Stereogum’s interview detailing the band’s unique songwriting approach.
The new record, tentatively titled “Thirteen Years Later, Still Arguing,” was reportedly 99% complete. Its 11 songs had passed 34 rounds of collective approval. The final hurdle, a black-and-white photograph of a lone rhinoceros, proved insurmountable. One member insisted on a subtle watermark. Another preferred a bold, unadorned image. The debate quickly devolved into an existential crisis.
A Legacy of Unreleased Potential
“It’s a shame, really,” mused Dr. Percival Pithy, Professor Emeritus of Group Dynamics at the University of Unattainable Consensus. “Their commitment to individual agency was unparalleled. Unfortunately, so was their inability to ever actually release anything.” Dr. Pithy authored “The Symphony of Stalemate: When Art Meets Absolute Equality.”
The remaining five members issued individual statements. Each statement thanked fans for their patience. Each statement also subtly blamed the other members for the latest impasse. Industry insiders speculate the 13-year gap was actually just one long, unresolved discussion. The promise of a new Crash Of Rhinos album will now likely remain an urban legend. Fans can continue to stream their 2011 album, “Maybe This One,” which took seven years to produce. For other bands that took forever to release new music, check out Pitchfork’s list of notable comebacks.
At press time, the band’s former bassist was reportedly debating the optimal shade of beige for his new solo album’s liner notes.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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