WASHINGTON— A federal antitrust trial took a bizarre turn on Tuesday. Prosecutors submitted the new Drake FOMO short film into evidence. The prosecution alleges the video violates the Geneva Convention. Witnesses claimed the project, which features unreleased tracks with Don Toliver and Yeat, constitutes a psychological weapon. Attorney General representatives forced a terrified music executive to watch the entire video in open court.
The Witness Cracks Under Pressure
Q: State your name and occupation for the record.
A: My name is Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. I oversee the national aesthetic surplus.
Q: Mr. Flense, did you watch the Drake FOMO short film in its entirety?
A: Yes. God help me, I did. The defense made me watch the PartyNextDoor cameo twice. It was a harrowing experience.
Q: What did you observe during the Don Toliver scene?
A: I saw a terrifying level of curation. The cool levels were dangerously high. My joints began to ache. I felt an acute sense of social exclusion. It was textbook aesthetic warfare.
The Industry Conspiracy Unfolds
Q: Is it true that YouTube algorithms assisted in this distribution?
A: Yes, sir. The platform pushed the Drake FOMO short film directly to vulnerable teenagers. We believe they wanted to induce mass anxiety. They want kids to buy overpriced streetwear.
Q: Who funded this operation?
A: The entire industry. It goes all the way to the top. Universal Music Group wants us distracted. If we are busy feeling left out, we will not notice the rising subscription prices.
Q: Thank you, Mr. Flense. You may step down.
