NASHVILLE— The ongoing federal investigation into the music industry took a dramatic turn Tuesday as a court transcript revealed how the Billboard charts are actually maintained. The hearing focused on the Ella Langley record breaking hit 'Choosin' Texas,' which recently secured its 23rd week at the top of the Hot 100. Federal prosecutors allege that major labels used a secret, automated network to force-feed the country song to millions of smart devices. The following excerpt from the United States District Court for the Middle District of Tennessee details the cross-examination of a key industry executive.
Q: Mr. Sterling, you serve as the Executive Director of Generative Auditory Domination at Sony Music, correct?
A: Yes, that is my official title.
Q: And did your department deploy an algorithm known as 'Project Lone Star' to manipulate the Ella Langley record breaking hit?
A: We prefer to call it automated listener encouragement. It simply ensures that nobody can escape the song.
Q: But you bypassed user consent, did you not? You programmed smart refrigerators to play 'Choosin' Texas' every time a consumer opened the butter door.
A: The butter door was just one trigger. We also synced it to Honda Civic windshield wipers.
Q: So when the public thought they were choosing Texas, they actually had no choice at all?
A: In our defense, the hook is extremely catchy. Even the smart toothbrushes agreed.
Q: Is it true that you also bribed local weather apps to play the song during tornado warnings?
A: 'Choosin' Texas' provides excellent acoustic cover for high-velocity winds. We saw it as a public service.
Q: Mr. Sterling, did you or did you not threaten to delete Mariah Carey from the database to protect this record?
A: We only locked her in a digital vault. She will be released in late November, as is tradition.
At press time, the judge ordered a recess after his own gavel accidentally triggered a nearby smart speaker to play the Ella Langley record breaking hit for the third time that hour.
