NASHVILLE— A federal grand jury opened inquiry today into the grueling logistics behind the Eric Church "On The Road" touring enterprise, revealing a dark web of industry-wide labor exploitation. The following transcript from the Southern District of Tennessee details the cross-examination of Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs, who testified on the financial necessity of keeping road crews in a state of perpetual motion.
Q: Mr. Quill, can you describe the operational model of the Eric Church "On The Road" setup?
A: Certainly. We do not view it as a concert tour. We view it as a rolling, self-contained feudal state. The goal is to never stop the wheels. If the bus stops, the capitalism dies.
Q: And how does this affect the crew members?
A: They have not seen their families since the Chief era. We pay them in diesel fumes and local guitar picks. It is standard industry practice.
Q: Standard? Are you saying other country artists do this?
A: Every single one. Garth Brooks has a subterranean city of steel guitar players under the Rocky Mountains. They only see the sun during soundcheck.
Q: Let the record show the witness is sweating profusely. Mr. Quill, does the Eric Church "On The Road" budget include provisions for human sleep?
A: Sleep is a luxury for pop stars. Country music runs on pure adrenaline and regional gas station beef jerky. If we let them sleep, they start asking for dental insurance.
Q: So you admit the entire country music touring economy is built on illegal, sleepless labor?
A: I admit nothing. But I will say this: those million faces aren't going to rock themselves.
