BELGRADE—A landmark Serbian trial took a dark turn today during official proceedings regarding the recent EXIT Festival comeback announcement. What began as a routine hearing on event permits devolved into a terrifying confession about the global concert industry.
PROSECUTOR: Please state your name and occupation for the record.
WITNESS: My name is Goran Petrovic. I am a talent buyer for the EXIT Festival.
PROSECUTOR: Mr. Petrovic, can you explain how a student election victory guaranteed the EXIT Festival comeback?
WITNESS: It is simple. We rigged the election. We do it for every lineup. You cannot secure a David Guetta headline set without destabilizing at least one regional parliament. It is in his rider.
PROSECUTOR: Are you claiming that international music festivals actively manipulate foreign governments?
WITNESS: Of course. How do you think Glastonbury gets its permits? They collapsed the British pound in 2016 just to secure Coldplay. The entire global live music apparatus is a shadow government.
PROSECUTOR: That is a heavy accusation, Mr. Petrovic. Do you have proof?
WITNESS: Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation, taught us the protocol. She told us that democracy is just an obstacle to beverage sales. If a local government denies a noise permit, we fund a student revolution. Then we sell those students VIP wristbands for two hundred Euros.
PROSECUTOR: So the EXIT Festival comeback was never about celebrating youth culture?
WITNESS: Youth culture is a construct to sell lukewarm tuborg. We bribed municipal clerks. We replaced the local police chief with a DJ named Techno-Boogeyman. At press time, the defense entered a plea deal offering the judge side-stage passes to the Dance Arena in exchange for full immunity.
