JERUSALEM—Leaked court proceedings revealed a conspiracy among elite political strategists to systematically engineer perpetual deadlocks in parliament, ensuring infinite employment for government consultants. The following excerpt from a high-level tribunal details testimony regarding the manufactured chaos surrounding coalition math.
PROSECUTOR: Please state your name and occupation for the record.
WITNESS: My name is Arthur Pendelton. I serve as the Chief Parliamentary Mathematician at the Knesset.
PROSECUTOR: Mr. Pendelton, is it true that your team intentionally miscalculated parliamentary seats to prevent any party from securing a majority?
WITNESS: Miscalculated is a strong word. We prefer the term 'optimized for recurring retainer fees.' If someone actually wins 61 seats, the election cycle ends. Then how do we bill for emergency strategy sessions?
PROSECUTOR: So you deliberately created these impossible math equations?
WITNESS: Yes. It is basic political algebra. You take a standard 120-seat legislature. You subtract basic common sense. Then you divide the remaining logic by seven micro-parties that refuse to sit in the same room. Suddenly, nobody reaches a majority. We guarantee another campaign cycle by November.
PROSECUTOR: Did other political consultants know about this manipulation of coalition math?
WITNESS: Everyone knew. The polling firms, the billboard printers, the television networks. We even hired Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs, to brand the gridlock as 'dynamic democratic engagement.' We split the revenues.
PROSECUTOR: You deliberately sabotaged stable governance for profit?
WITNESS: We call it job security. A stable government pays a strategist once every four years. A broken parliamentary system pays us forever. We already drafted the coalition math equations for the 2028 snap elections.
PROSECUTOR: No further questions for this witness, Your Honor.
