WASHINGTON—A federal judge ruled the Trump administration’s third-country deportation policy unlawful yesterday. The ruling immediately halted the practice. It requires due process for asylum seekers. Administration officials reacted with a mixture of confusion and panic. They had just updated their globe.
A Global Search for New Destinations
The previous policy allowed migrants to be sent to certain ‘safe’ third countries. These countries would process asylum claims. The ruling declared this practice unconstitutional. It violated asylum seekers’ rights. White House staff quickly convened an emergency task force. Its mandate: find any country willing to accept individuals.
“We thought ‘third country’ was a pretty clear concept,” stated Balthazar Krumholtz, Presidential Adjunct for Geopolitical Relocation Logistics. “Turns out, there are only, like, 195 countries. And most of them are already spoken for. We’re running out of ‘thirds’ very quickly.” He spoke from a bunker. The bunker was filled with unrolled world maps.
The administration began exploring unconventional solutions. One proposal involved purchasing a small, uninhabited island. It would then be declared the ‘Fourth Country.’ Another suggested reclassifying parts of international waters as sovereign territory. These areas would then serve as processing centers. The legal implications remained unclear.
Intergalactic Options Considered
“We even looked at micronations,” explained Dr. Penelope Quibble, Head of Extraterrestrial Jurisprudence at the Department of Homeland Security. “But Sealand is already full. Plus, their WiFi is terrible.” She added that preliminary talks with the Galactic Federation were ‘stalled.’ This was due to ‘unprecedented paperwork.’ The possibility of micronations as “third-country deportation” sites proved unfeasible.
The Department of Justice filed an emergency appeal. They argued the judge’s ruling misunderstood basic geography. Specifically, they claimed the planet had more than three countries. This argument was quickly dismissed. The appeal process continues. Meanwhile, migrants remain in limbo.
At press time, the White House announced a new initiative to convert a fleet of cruise ships into ‘mobile sovereign nations.’
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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