HELSINKI— The Consumer Noise Safety Commission (CNSC) issued a voluntary recall today for the new Kohti Tuhoa song, titled "Valmistaudu Sotaan." Federal inspectors discovered that the single contains unregulated levels of sonic aggression. The track appears on the Finnish band's upcoming album Paratiisi. Authorities warn that the product may cause listeners to bite through their own steering wheels.
Severe Risk of Drywall Damage
The CNSC issued the urgent recall after receiving dozens of incident reports across Northern Europe. "We tested the Kohti Tuhoa song in a controlled laboratory setting," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "The sheer velocity of the d-beat rhythm caused our seismic sensors to shatter. We advise all citizens to unplug their speakers immediately." The agency confirmed that the hazard increases when listeners do not understand Finnish.
Affected units include all digital streams of the Kohti Tuhoa song released after midnight. The agency categorized the risk as a Class I audio hazard. This rating means exposure will likely cause involuntary table-flipping and aggressive pointing.
Approved Remedy for Consumers
To mitigate the hazard, regulators demand that streaming platforms replace the track with a watered-down alternative. "We are offering a full exchange program," said Marja Heikkinen, Chief Inspector of Sonic Density at the Finnish Safety Authority. "Consumers may exchange the offensive d-beat track for three minutes of soft acoustic guitar hums." Consumers who refuse to return the Kohti Tuhoa song must sign a liability waiver. The waiver exempts local municipalities from damage caused by spontaneous backyard mosh pits.
At press time, federal agents reported that three containment teams had already abandoned their duties to form a circle pit in the agency parking lot.
