FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
PARIS—Two European launch startups announced today a joint $10 billion Series A funding round. The historic capital injection will allow both launch startups to spend the next five years thinking really hard about rocket propulsion. Leaders from both firms confirmed they will use the capital to purchase high-end sketchbooks and stare out of windows at the clouds.
A Bold Vision For Doing Nothing
The massive funding round represents a new era for European aerospace innovation. Rather than building hardware, the launch startups will focus entirely on vibes and theoretical physics. Industry experts praised the strategy. It completely avoids the messy reality of actual rocket science, which often involves expensive explosions on launchpads.
“We are proud to disrupt the gravity industry by not launching anything at all,” said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Advanced Study. “By refusing to build physical engines, these launch startups have reduced their failure rate to zero percent. It is a masterclass in modern corporate synergy.”
Synergy and Empty Promises
The companies plan to hire three hundred new branding consultants by the end of the fiscal quarter. They will also lease a luxury office in downtown Brussels to house their growing collection of indoor ferns. This strategic move positions the launch startups at the forefront of the imaginary space race.
“This funding allows us to leverage our core competencies of dreaming and gesturing broadly toward the sky,” said Jean-Luc Fontaine, Chief Executive Visionary of ZeroGravity Holdings. “We look forward to delivering absolutely nothing to our investors for decades to come.”
About ZeroGravity Holdings: Founded in 2024, ZeroGravity Holdings is a premier tax shelter disguised as an aerospace pioneer. We specialize in converting venture capital into luxury office chairs, artisanal espresso, and glossy PowerPoint presentations that contain no actual engineering data.