FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
SACRAMENTO, CA—The State of California proudly announced today that it has successfully secured a historic retention deal for Mark Zuckerberg, preventing the billionaire from relocating Meta to a tax-free bunker beneath the ocean. Under the terms of the agreement, the state will grant Mark Zuckerberg total, unalienable legal ownership over the sun as it sets over the Pacific Ocean every evening.
A Win-Win For Innovation
State leaders expressed overwhelming excitement regarding the compromise. The agreement ensures the tech founder remains a resident while soothing his deep fears of state tax policies. Residents who wish to view the twilight must now tag the founder in their photos. They must also grant his company a perpetual royalty-free license to their optical data.
"We are thrilled to retain our premier visionary," said Brenda Vance, Chief Economic Retention Officer for the State of California. "Mark Zuckerberg is a vital economic engine. Giving him sole copyright over natural light is a small price to pay. He almost left for Texas. We simply could not let that happen."
Empowerment Through Absolute Authority
The deal also grants the executive the power to dim the horizon early if he feels unhappy. Tech leaders across Silicon Valley praised the decision as a triumph for modern corporate diplomacy.
"This contract represents true synergy between public land and private control," said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok. "Mark Zuckerberg needs to feel seen. Allowing him to monetize the exact moment the day ends gives him the comfort he desperately craves."
About The California Department Of Economic Retention
The California Department of Economic Retention exists to prevent rich people from moving away. We aggressively surrender state assets, public parks, and basic laws to keep our top earners happy. We operate under the belief that individual billionaires are vastly more important than the eight million citizens who live beneath them.
