HAWTHORNE, CA—Billionaire CEO Elon Musk announced new service tiers Tuesday to streamline future Starlink throttling requests from global leaders. The satellite network updated its enterprise terms to formalize arbitrary internet shutdowns during active military operations.
1. The 'Mood Swing' Basic Tier
This package offers automated bandwidth reductions whenever corporate leadership posts late-night tweets. Field commanders experience sudden 56k dial-up speeds during critical strategic operations. The service includes automated apology emails sent directly to frontline infantry.
2. The 'Historical Reenactment' Throttle
Military forces lose high-speed connectivity entirely to promote traditional 19th-century warfare. Officers must rely on carrier pigeons and smoke signals for battlefield communication. SpaceX charges a premium fee for sending official brass trumpets to artillery units.
3. The 'Diablo IV Tournament' Emergency Pause
Entire sovereign nations face instant data blackouts when executive leadership hosts private gaming sessions. Satellite bandwidth redirects automatically to support low-latency video game streaming. "We simply prioritize high-stakes virtual raids over regional stability," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected.
4. The 'Pedantic Geofence' Lockout
Coverage drops the exact millisecond a vehicle crosses an arbitrarily drawn line on an old napkin. Commanders receive a pop-up ad suggesting they retreat five meters to restore signal. The system automatically prompts users to leave a five-star review on the App Store.
5. The 'Gonna Just Vibe On It' Tier
This customized Starlink throttling option allows satellite access to fluctuate based entirely on personal vibes. Speeds drop whenever an orbital node passes over a country with high tax rates. Signal strength returns only after regional officials send a friendly text message.
