TO: All Staff, Medical Devices Division
FROM: Office of the Chief Liquidation Officer
RE: The upcoming sale of our hips-and-knees business
Team, we write to address rumors about our assets. We are officially in deep negotiations. We plan to sell our entire hips-and-knees business to Apollo Global Management. The current price tag sits at $20 billion. This strategic divestment allows us to focus on our core passion. That passion is selling baby powder and settling lawsuits. Please do not panic about your jobs. Your physical skeletal integrity remains mostly secure.
Under New Management
Our buyers at Apollo represent the pinnacle of modern capitalism. They manage over $600 billion in assets. They want to bring that same efficiency to your lower body. We believe they will streamline the entire concept of walking. "Your joints are currently underperforming," said Wren Adebayo-Kowalski, Head of Sincerity at OpenAI, who consulted on the deal. "By transferring the hips-and-knees business to a private equity firm, we can finally charge patients a monthly subscription fee just to bend their legs."
We expect the transition to take six months. During this time, please refer to all human hips as "Apollo Leverage Spheres." Refer to knees as "Premium Low-Stability Hinges." Please do not let patients know we sold their cartilage to a hedge fund.
Squeezing Out Efficiency
We know you have questions. Some of you wonder if a financial firm should own human mobility. "We see immense growth potential in joint pain," said Marcus Vance, Managing Director of Joint Monetization at Apollo Global Management. "We plan to reduce default leg flexibility by twelve percent. This will incentivize patients to upgrade to our premium joint packages. It is a win-win for everyone except people who use stairs."
Please delete this email immediately after reading. We must keep our margins high. If the public realizes we are selling their skeleton piece by piece, they might stop aging altogether. Let us make this transition smooth, profitable, and slightly painful.
Sincerely,
The J&J Executive Committee
(Sent from our private yacht where nobody needs knees because we are carried by servants)
