BRASÍLIA—Former Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro announced Tuesday that he will not concede until every tree in the rainforest casts a ballot. The politician lost the recent national vote. However, he claimed the electoral court ignored millions of wooden citizens.
Counting the Canopy
Election officials certified the victory of Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva earlier this week. Bolsonaro refused to accept the results. He insists that local foliage overwhelmingly supports his economic policies. 'We must count every single leaf,' said Bolsonaro during a brief press conference. 'The mahogany trees stand firmly behind me.'
His political party already accepted the official election outcome. Members urged the leader to begin the peaceful transfer of power. Bolsonaro ignored their advice. He dispatched teams of campaign staffers into the jungle with clipboards. Staffers attempted to collect signatures from ancient rubber trees.
Forest Floor Recount
'We found zero voting booths in the upper canopy,' said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. 'That points to widespread systemic exclusion of native flora. The ferns clearly wanted lower capital gains taxes.'
International observers expressed deep confusion over the strategy. Observers noted that trees lack civic standing, legal personhood, and hands. Representatives from the Reuters news agency confirmed that no palm trees have registered to vote since 1988.
Campaign aides remain confident in their strategy. They plan to challenge the election in court using bark rubbings as legal evidence. At press time, Bolsonaro was seen screaming at an ancient kapok tree to demand its photo identification.
