TO: All Global Outreach Staff
FROM: Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before
RE: Capitalising on the Brazil election polarisation
We must address the extreme Brazil election polarisation before Sunday. Our brand cannot remain neutral. We also cannot choose a side. Therefore, we will market to both extremes simultaneously. This strategy will maximize our Q4 engagement metrics across all South American sectors.
Synergized Conflict Management
Our analytics team expects a historic voter turnout. We must leverage this. "We need to turn the Brazil election polarisation into a monetizable lifestyle choice," said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok. "We are launching dual-branded energy drinks. One flavor tastes like social democracy. The other tastes like military nationalism. Both contain 800 milligrams of caffeine."
We will deploy these products in key polling regions. Staff must not favor either candidate. If a voter wears red, hand them a Lula-branded organic juice. If they wear green and yellow, offer them a Bolsonaro-branded tactical beef jerky. We want to fuel the fire, not put it out.
Operational Guidelines
"We want voters angry but active," said Janet Holloway, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Things That Shouldn't Exist. "Anger drives clicks. Clicks drive ad revenue. Our corporate mission has always been to extract value from civil unrest."
Please review the attached training deck. It details how to look concerned yet highly profitable on social media. Remember our core value: a stable democracy does not buy premium subscriptions.
Best regards,
Gordon Flense
Dictated but not read. We need this division to pay for our upcoming corporate retreat in Switzerland. Please do not let the press see this.
