TO: All Artists, Managers, and Content Creators
FROM: Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Cloud Storage Efficiency
DATE: October 24, 2024
RE: Mandated Cancellation of 2026 upcoming albums
Effective immediately, this label will delete all files related to 2026 upcoming albums. Our cloud servers are completely full of unreleased ambient podcasts. We simply do not have the gigabytes to store your artistic visions. We must prioritize server space for corporate slide decks and high-definition video of the company dog.
The Hum-Direct Initiative
We are transitioning to a physical-delivery model for all 2026 upcoming albums. Artists must travel to the homes of active streaming subscribers. You will hum your new melodies directly into their left ear while they sleep. This eliminates the need for expensive digital hosting. "We tested this with three indie bands in Chicago," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "The acoustic vibration of a wet tongue on a eardrum creates unparalleled brand loyalty."
Mandatory Deletions and Next Steps
Please delete your master tapes by Friday. Our IT department will purge all WAV files from the system. If you want to release a song, you must write it down on a single sticky note and leave it in a public park. We believe this physical scarcity will drive engagement on TikTok. We also save $14 a month on our corporate Dropbox account. This money will fund our executive retreat in Aspen.
Sincerely,
The Management
