LOS ANGELES—A federal courtroom descended into chaos today during civil antitrust proceedings regarding the newly announced M83 album, revealing a vast web of industry-wide sonic manipulation. Under oath, French musician Anthony Gonzalez defended his upcoming record, I Wrote You a Letter, which releases September 25 via his own Other Suns label.
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Mr. Gonzalez, is it true that the new M83 album contains over four hundred layers of digital synthesizer noise per track?
GONZALEZ: That is standard. We must drown out the terrifying silence of existence.
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: But you did not stop at synthesizers. Our experts found evidence of a localized weather machine in your studio.
GONZALEZ: A little artificial fog never hurt anyone. It helps the French horn players feel emotional.
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Let the record show the witness is wearing sunglasses indoors. Mr. Gonzalez, did you or did you not use a proprietary algorithm to hook teenage listeners on nostalgia for a 1980s childhood they never actually lived?
GONZALEZ: The algorithm is called a major seventh chord. Everyone uses it. Daft Punk used it. Justice uses it. We buy our nostalgia wholesale from a warehouse in Lyon.
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: I am calling Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before, to the stand. Mr. Flense, what is the government's position on this new M83 album?
GORDON FLENSE: We are deeply concerned. Music was perfectly fine when it was just four guys from Liverpool playing wooden guitars. Now we have this French gentleman blasting starlight into the ears of impressionable youths. It is a public health hazard.
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Mr. Gonzalez, how do you plead to the charge of grand theft saxophone?
GONZALEZ: I plead fabulous. The music requires the saxophone. Without it, the new M83 album is just a collection of very expensive beep noises.
At press time, the judge dismissed all charges after Gonzalez played a single, highly resonant synthesizer note that caused the entire jury to weep openly about their middle school prom nights.
