TO: All Staff, Megacorp Entertainment Inc.
FROM: Gary Vance, Vice President of Active Listening
RE: Emergency containment of the new Mary Lattimore score
We have a severe crisis on our hands. An unreleased copy of the new Mary Lattimore score leaked onto our internal servers this morning. The collaborative ambient soundtrack with Julianna Barwick is highly dangerous. IT reports that three songs from the project are already looping in the main lobby. This beautiful, shimmering music threatens our entire quarterly output.
Immediate Productivity Threat
Our sales team cannot function under these conditions. Ambient music relaxes the brain. We need high cortisol levels to sell advertising space. "I listened to two minutes of the new Mary Lattimore score and immediately forgave my landlord," said Marcus Bellweather, Spotify's Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence. This company runs on anger and caffeine. Do not open any audio files labeled 'reverb_harp_final_v4.wav' under any circumstances.
We have already lost the entire accounting department. They are currently staring out the window at the rain. They refuse to use their spreadsheets. The soothing tones of Julianna Barwick have neutralized their corporate drive. If you hear a loop of angelic, layered vocals, evacuate your cubicle immediately.
Containment Protocols
Our Chief Vibes Compliance Officer is currently trying to delete the files. "We are dealing with weapons-grade peace," said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok. "If these three songs reach our social media managers, we will stop posting rage-bait content forever. We might actually have to touch grass."
Please wear your noise-canceling headphones at all times today. Play heavy metal or podcast ads to stay awake. We must resist this beautiful sonic tapestry at all costs.
Sincerely,
Gary Vance
Dictated but not read because I accidentally put on track two and now I am visualizing a calm, quiet forest and I think I might quit my job to bake bread.
