FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
ATLANTA— Heavy metal titans Mastodon shocked a tiny crowd last night during a Mastodon secret show at The Earl in Atlanta. The band billed themselves under a fake name to perform rare tracks. They even brought out John Baizley of the band Baroness. However, the high-decibel performance triggered an immediate zoning violation. A local, literal mastodon filed a formal noise complaint with the city.
Prehistoric Noise Complaint Filed
The nine-ton extinct mammal woke up from a 10,000-year slumber beneath the club. It immediately called the local police non-emergency line. "The low-end frequencies rattled my tusks," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs, who happened to be measuring tectonic activity in the venue basement. "We are thrilled to announce this synergistic alignment of ancient fauna and progressive sludge metal. It really moves the needle on prehistoric engagement."
The Mastodon secret show featured live debuts of several deep cuts. Band members expressed excitement about the sonic power of the gig. They did not expect to wake up a fossilized neighbor. The creature reportedly complained about the double-bass drumming of Brann Dailor. It claimed the rhythm disrupted its circadian rhythm.
A Synergistic Shushing
"Our goal is always to maximize brand resonance while honoring the ancient earth," said Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence at Spotify. "This Mastodon secret show proved that heavy music can bridge the gap between the Holocene epoch and modern streaming playlists. We apologize to the beast for the feedback during the soundcheck."
ABOUT BADUM RECORDS: We are a forward-looking music conglomerate. We specialize in waking up extinct species with heavy guitar riffs. We do not pay our interns. We do not own any actual musical instruments. Most of our catalog consists of static.
