WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a mandatory recall today of the Mazzy Star cover performed by Wolf Alice, Dove Ellis, and Anna Calvi at Wales’ Green Man Festival. The performance poses severe safety hazards to consumers. Regulators urge immediate disposal of all bootleg audio files.
Hazard Level: Extreme Lethargy
The joint live performance occurred during the UK summer festival circuit. The artists attempted to cover the 1993 classic song “Fade Into You.” Government inspectors detected dangerous levels of atmospheric reverb and intense shoegaze longing. These elements exceeded federal safety standards by over 400 percent.
“We observed immediate, uncontrolled swaying in the first ten rows,” said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. “The combination of slide guitar and whisper-singing created a localized localized gravitational anomaly. It caused forty-two hipsters to fall asleep standing up.”
Affected Units and Remedial Action
This recall specifically affects the Mazzy Star cover recorded live on August 18. Anyone who downloaded the audio or watched social media clips must delete them immediately. Prolonged exposure may lead to wearing oversized cardigans. It may also cause staring at the floor for hours.
“We are offering full refunds in the form of high-tempo techno tracks,” said Marcus Bellweather, Spotify's Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence. “We must restore baseline heart rates. Do not attempt to listen to this Mazzy Star cover while operating heavy machinery or while feeling slightly sad about an ex.”
At press time, federal agents are actively seizing acoustic guitars within a five-mile radius of the festival grounds to prevent further outbreaks of indie nostalgia.
