LOS ANGELES— The nation observed a Big Primary Day on Tuesday. Millions of Americans lined up. They dutifully entered polling places. Confusion quickly mounted. No clear candidates or issues appeared on ballots. Voters selected from generic options. Choices included “More Options” or “Fewer Options.”
Civic Duty, Unspecified Outcomes
“I just felt it was important to participate,” stated Brenda P. Snelling, 67, a retired professional dog walker. “They said it was a Big Primary Day. So I showed up. My ballot asked if I preferred ‘Things’ or ‘No Things.’ I picked ‘Things,’ naturally. I hope it helps.” Polling officials offered no further guidance. They simply processed the ballots. Lines remained orderly. No major incidents were reported.
Local news channels offered extensive coverage. They showed citizens entering and exiting polling stations. Commentators struggled to explain the day’s significance. They speculated on potential implications. Most agreed the turnout was “impressive, for whatever it was.”
The Call for Participation
The mysterious primary day was announced weeks ago. An anonymous nationwide text message campaign promoted it. It simply urged, “It’s a Big Primary Day. Don’t miss out.” The campaign provided no details. It offered no party affiliations. It named no candidates. Still, citizens felt compelled to vote. “My neighbor went. My barber went. It felt like the right thing to do,” explained Chad “The Hammer” Henderson, 42, a competitive thumb wrestler. “I think I voted for ‘Better Parking.’ We really need that here.”
Election supervisors across the country expressed mild bewilderment. They confirmed the voting process was technically flawless. They had no explanation for the purpose. Many officials reported record-low spoiled ballots. This suggested voters understood the task, whatever it was.
At press time, analysts speculated that the “Big Primary Day” was simply a national exercise in standing in line.
