TO: All Campaign Staff
FROM: New Hampshire State Board of Elections
DATE: September 11, 2024
RE: New Hampshire primaries protocol updates
Due to rising political tensions, we are canceling the voting booths. The upcoming New Hampshire primaries will now use the Compliment Battle format. Candidates will stand exactly six feet apart. They must take turns saying nice things about each other. The first candidate to show visible anger loses the nomination immediately.
Polite Civil Discourse Only
"We tried traditional voting last cycle," said Agnes Periwinkle, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at the state office. "It caused too much shouting. This new format for the New Hampshire primaries keeps everyone calm. If a candidate cannot think of a nice compliment, they may use a pre-approved script. For example, they can praise their opponent's choice of sensible footwear."
Staff must remove all ballot machines by Friday afternoon. We will replace them with soft velvet cushions. Candidates will sit on these cushions during the debate. Tea and light biscuits will be provided. No shouting is permitted under any circumstances.
The Rules of Engagement
"I practiced my compliments all night," said state senate hopeful Arthur Pendelton. "I told my mirror that my opponent has a very symmetrical face. I think I can win this thing." The Democratic National Committee, which handles national scheduling on their official website, has tentatively approved this peaceful resolution method.
Staff must ensure the microphone volume remains extremely low. Anyone who speaks above a whisper will receive a time-out. We want a quiet, soothing election season.
We are implementing this change because we lost the keys to the ballot boxes and the locksmith is on vacation until November.
