WASHINGTON—The third round of ‘No Kings’ protests swept across the nation this weekend. Organizers declared the demonstrations the largest yet. Participants converged on various targets. These included historical landmarks and local businesses. The movement seeks to abolish all forms of “kings.”
Protestors gathered outside the National Portrait Gallery. They demanded the removal of any portraits resembling royalty. “We will not rest,” stated Brenda Carmichael, Chief Anti-Monarchist Strategist for the Coalition Against Hereditary Rule. “No crown shall stand. No scepter shall wave. Not even in effigy.” She pointed emphatically at a painting of a former President. “He definitely had a regal air about him.”
Targets Expanded Beyond Monarchy
The scope of the ‘No Kings’ protests broadened significantly. Demonstrators also picketed fast-food restaurants. Specifically targeted were franchises of Burger King. Activists chanted slogans. They demanded the corporation rename itself. “It’s a subtle form of propaganda,” explained activist Marcus Thorne, holding a sign reading “Abolish the Whopper Throne.” “Every time someone orders, they reinforce monarchical power. We prefer Burger Republic, or perhaps Burger Collective.” Burger King corporate offices did not immediately respond to requests for comment.
The demonstrations were largely peaceful. Some minor incidents were reported. A group attempted to deface a playing card. It depicted the King of Hearts. Another faction tried to unseat the reigning “King of Trivia” at a local pub. This resulted in a brief, heated debate over pop culture facts.
Future of the ‘No Kings’ Movement
Organizers promised further action. They plan to target other “kingly” establishments. These include mattress stores and jazz clubs. “Anywhere a ‘king’ holds sway, we will be there,” vowed Ms. Carmichael. She outlined plans for a ‘Grand Purge of Monarchical Metaphors.’ This would include chess sets and Elvis impersonators. “Even the King James Bible is under review,” she added grimly.
Local residents expressed confusion. “I thought we got rid of kings centuries ago,” remarked Eleanor Vance, 78, a retired history teacher. “Are they going after the King snake next?” Her question remained unanswered. The movement’s precise demands continued to evolve. Protesters waved signs. Some read “No Kings, No Problem.” Others simply said “Burger Democracy Now.” Learn more about actual monarchies here.
At press time, Burger King issued a statement clarifying its corporate structure, noting it was not, in fact, a monarchy.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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