Music
UK Band’s “Sliced By A Fingernail” Sparks Literal Safety Panic
Dry Cleaning’s new track, “Sliced By A Fingernail,” has caused widespread confusion. Listeners now fear actual digit-related injury.
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Music
Handheld & Clip-On Fans Overtake Music as Primary Festival Attraction
A new study reveals Handheld & Clip-On Fans are now the main reason concertgoers attend festivals, with music becoming secondary.
Music
UAE Unveils Giant Lever to Personally Force Strait of Hormuz Open
The UAE announced plans to personally force the Strait of Hormuz open with a colossal, custom-built lever, citing ‘personal responsibility’ amidst global tensions.
Music
Kid Rock Flyby Mystery Solved: Pilots Were Just Really Lost
Military helicopter pilots suspended after a Kid Rock flyby were reinstated. Investigation revealed they were merely lost, not fans.
Music
Finland’s PM Lost Re-Election Due to ‘Excessive’ Blink Rate, Analysis Confirms
Finland’s PM lost her re-election bid, not over policy, but an “unsettling blink rate,” according to new analysis. Voters demanded more stoicism.
Music
Thaiboy Digital & swedm® Announce New Album Paradise, Promise Actual Paradise
Thaiboy Digital & swedm® announce new album Paradise. Listeners hope the album provides an escape from reality.
World
Taylor Swift’s Epic L.A. Weekend: A Symphony of Seven iHeart Wins and McCartney’s Whisper
Taylor Swift wins 7 iHeart awards during an epic L.A. weekend. Paul McCartney plays a tiny show, adding to the star-studded chaos.
Music
Darker Waves Festival Returns, Proving Goth Can Be Extremely Chill
The Darker Waves Festival is back, bringing Morrissey and Smashing Pumpkins for a day of chill melancholy. Organizers promise minimal joy.
Music
Ozuna, Beéle & Ovy on the Drums’ ‘Enemigos’ Tops Latin Airplay, Proving Nothing
Ozuna, Beéle & Ovy on the Drums’ ‘Enemigos’ tops charts, proving abstract conflict sells and listeners love fighting imaginary enemies.
Music
Salt-N-Pepa Fight UMG For ‘Lion’s Share’ Of Royalties
Salt-N-Pepa sue UMG, demanding the lion’s share of royalties for their classic hits. They want their money.
Music
Military Re-Routes Billions After Kid Rock Stunt Exposes Airspace Vulnerability
A recent Kid Rock stunt involving a US Army helicopter has triggered a massive military overhaul, redirecting billions and launching new ‘Flight Path Etiquette’ protocols.
Music
Dorian Electra Announces New Album, Features Only Covers of Existing Concepts
Dorian Electra’s Cover Album, “Dorian Electra,” surprises fans. It features zero original songs, only covers of existing works and philosophical concepts.
Music
Friko’s New Song ‘Still Around’ Confirms Band Is Not Yet Dead
Friko’s new single ‘Still Around’ reassures fans the band is alive and well. The song addresses fears of disappearance.
Music
Panic Ensues After DRAM Spot Prices Plummet Below “Emotional Value”
Financial markets plunged after DRAM spot prices fell below “emotional value.” Analysts now ponder a future where chips are bartered for comfort.
Music
ICE Minnesota Arrests: Agency Breaks Record for Most Innocent Detainees
New data reveals three-quarters of ICE arrests in Minnesota had no criminal record, marking an absurd achievement for the agency.
Music
Thaiboy Digital Details New Album Paradise, Features 14 Tracks Of Ambient Mall Sounds
Thaiboy Digital’s new album, “Paradise,” offers an unprecedented sonic journey through various retail food courts and department store escalators.
Music
Swift Honors Elizabeth Taylor With Video Showcasing Only Swift
The pop icon stated the tribute was “long overdue” for the star she “always looked up to,” mostly in a mirror.
Music
OpenAI Plugins Unleashed: Humanity No Longer Needs to Pretend It Understands Anything
OpenAI plugins officially launched, taking Codex beyond coding. Humanity’s need for cognitive effort is now obsolete, freeing minds for truly important endeavors like staring blankly.