WASHINGTON—A federal court released transcripts Tuesday revealing that the outcome of key Senate midterm races may have been predetermined by commercial asset managers. According to court records, party operatives purchased entire state slates at a corporate discount warehouse in Ohio.
PROSECUTOR: Please state your name and occupation for the record.
WITNESS: Arthur Pendelton. I serve as Senior Managing Strategist for National Victory Logistics. We manage competitive Senate midterm races for major party committees.
PROSECUTOR: Mr. Pendelton, did your firm select candidates based on public service records?
WITNESS: No, sir. We purchased them in bulk. You can buy six generic Senate candidates in a wooden crate for $4,000. Most of them are just retired regional car dealership owners who own three suits. We inject them with saline and teach them how to frown near farm equipment.
PROSECUTOR: You mean to tell this court that the toss-up elections in
WITNESS: Absolutely. The entire industry works this way. We rent the crowd noise from an NFL soundboard company. We print two million yard signs with identical blue gradients. If a candidate dies mid-campaign, we just move their lapel pin to a fresh body from the warehouse. Nobody notices because they all say the exact same three sentences about taxes.
PROSECUTOR: Is the opponent in these races legitimate?
WITNESS: The opponent is owned by the exact same parent holding company, Counselor. We run both sides of all ten Senate midterm races from a single laptop in Bethesda. We generate the controversy using an automated script that pits slightly different shades of khaki against each other. It keeps the political action committees happy and ensures steady ad revenue for local news affiliates.
PROSECUTOR: Does the voters' choice actually matter in these swing districts?
WITNESS: The voting machines are just connected to an empty toaster, sir. Whoever brings in more broadcast ad revenue wins a six-year lease on an office building in D.C. where they sign paper all day.
