WASHINGTON, D.C.— The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an immediate recall today for the new My Chemical Romance short film. Regulators flagged severe audio hazards in the project. The animated short features spoken-word narration from Phoebe Bridgers and Billie Eilish. Federal inspectors determined the combined vocal audio causes acute emotional collapse in adults aged 18 to 40.
Hazard Identification
The safety notice applies to all digital streams of the animated project, titled 'Prelude to the End.' Visual artist Lauren Tsai directed the visual assets. However, the dangerous audio frequencies stem entirely from the voiceover cast. Test subjects exposed to the vocal tracks experienced rapid drop in serotonin. Symptoms include spontaneous hair-dyeing and sudden urge to text ex-partners from 2012.
'We tested the My Chemical Romance short film in a controlled lab,' said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. 'The acoustic resonance of Bridgers and Eilish speaking simultaneously fractured our heavy-duty industrial drywall. It is simply too sad for public consumption.'
Affected Units and Remedy
The recall affects all global streams released on video platforms this week. Consumers must cease playing the My Chemical Romance short film immediately. Individuals who already listened should absorb five hours of up-tempo ska music as an antidote. Emergency crews are currently deploying noise-canceling foam over affected fiber-optic cables.
'We thought users could handle three distinct generations of gloom at once,' said Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation. 'We clearly miscalculated the structural integrity of the average millennial spirit.'
At press time, federal agents were seen placing the master tapes of the My Chemical Romance short film into a lead-lined hazmat container for deep geological burial.
