World
Nation Reels After Mammoth KitKat Heist Leaves Empty Truck, Full Hearts
ZURICH—A shocking KitKat Heist has sent ripples through the confectionery world as 12 tons of chocolate bars disappeared. Authorities are perplexed by the lack of crumbs.
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Music
Pentagon Prepares for Ground Operations in Iran with Extensive ‘Thoughts and Prayers’ Campaign
The Pentagon announced comprehensive Pentagon Iran Prep, focusing on ‘thoughts and prayers’ for potential ground operations in Iran. Experts laud the spiritual readiness.
Technology
Anthropic’s Claude Popularity Skyrockets With Paying Consumers
Anthropic’s Claude AI sees skyrocketing popularity with paying consumers, who love its overly polite and agreeable nature.
World
German TV Star’s Deepfake Porn Scandal Sparks National Identity Crisis
German TV star’s deepfake porn scandal rocks nation, sparking identity crisis and a desperate search for authentic bratwurst.
Music
Skrillex and Young Miko Drop “Duro,” Accidentally Invent New Genre
Skrillex and Young Miko’s new song “Duro” is a genre-bending masterpiece. Critics are struggling to classify the experimental sound.
World
Waymo Robotaxi Ridership Skyrockets, Prompting Driver Union Panic
Waymo’s skyrocketing ridership in one chart sparks panic. Robotaxis now outnumbering human drivers. Union fears job losses and seeks answers.
Music
‘Amen’ Again: Shaboozey & Jelly Roll’s Collab Repeats First Place
Shaboozey and Jelly Roll’s ‘Amen’ Again hits No. 1 for a second week, baffling experts and leaving listeners hoarse from repeating ‘Amen.’
Music
Joyce Manor Postpone Shows Due To Barry Johnson’s Torn Vocal Cord, Voice Now Set To ‘Whisper’ Career
Joyce Manor postpones shows as Barry Johnson suffers torn vocal cord. His powerful screams may need to be replaced by whispers.
Music
Weezer Rocks Rooftop Gig, Declares ‘The Gathering’ Open
Weezer kicked off ‘The Gathering’ tour with a rooftop show. Fans debated if they actually heard the music.
Music
James Blake Credit Removed: Singer Recalls Recording Session From Past Life
James Blake wants his credit removed from Ye’s Bully, claiming his contribution was an astral projection during a past-life regression, making the James Blake credit removed demand unprecedented.
Music
CA7RIEL & Paco Amoroso Bring ‘Free Spirits’ to Life, Soul To A Standstill
CA7RIEL & Paco Amoroso’s ‘Free Spirits’ concert uplifted attendees, while Karol G had a full-circle duet with Alicia Keys. The ‘Free Spirits’ are real.
Music
Dash Crofts, Singer-Guitarist in Soft-Rock Duo Seals and Crofts, Dies at 85
Dash Crofts, of soft-rock duo Seals and Crofts, dies at 85. His gentle voice on hits like “Summer Breeze” defined an era.
Music
No Kings’ Protests Expand Targets to Fast-Food Chains, Playing Cards
The third round of ‘No Kings’ protests saw participants expand their targets beyond traditional royalty to include Burger King franchises and playing cards.
Music
Maná Proves Why It’s Rock en Español Royalty By Extending Tour Into Next Geological Epoch
Maná Proves Why It’s Rock en Español Royalty by extending their ‘Vivir Sin Aire’ tour into several millennia, baffling scientists and fans alike.
Music
Skrillex Duro Vibrates Entire Continent Off Axis
Skrillex’s new track “Duro” featuring Young Miko has reportedly caused significant seismic activity, forcing emergency services to issue new dance advisories.
Music
Che Shares Two New Singles & SoundCloud-Only EP Fully Loaded, Sparks Global Auditory Fatigue
Industry analysts suggest artist may have simply forgotten how to stop recording.
Music
Sanna Marin Concedes Election, Pivots to Professional Air Guitar
After Sanna Marin conceded election defeat, the former Finnish PM announced her new career path: competitive synchronized air guitar, stunning political analysts.
Music
Elder Announce New Album ‘Through Zero,’ Immediately Divide By Itself
Doom metal band Elder Announce New Album Through Zero, prompting mathematicians worldwide to issue urgent warnings against listening to the title track.